The Sopranos - Family Values

Alternative Episodes: Episode 2

Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4
"The gauntlet of evil and adversity"

Scene 1

(music: "Still of the night")

Fade in.

Nighttime, kitchen, Vezsuvio's, we see Artie cutting vegetables with a butcher knife, humming to himself, we then see the barrel of a pistol slowly close into the back of his head. It jams into his skull. He's startled, and drops the knife. The music plays as the scene proceeds.

Chris:
Don't move asshole.

Artie:
Christopher, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Chris: (pushing the barrel into Artie's head)
I said don't fucking move! Did you touch her?

Artie:
Christopher? What are you talkin' about?

Chris: (yelling)
I know you were out wit her Artie. Did you fucking touch her, you cocksucker?

Artie:
I touched her hand..I touched her hand...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..

Chris: (sarcastically)
You're sorry? Pull out your little prick you fuck.

Artie: (stuttering)
W-w-what???

Chris: (pushing the gun to Artie's ear)
Do you want me to blow the fucking wax out of your ear? What's this?
(He notices Artie's earring and yanks it out of his earlobe tearing it)
Motherfucker!

Artie:
Ahhhhhhhhh FUCK!! (begins crying, puts his hand over his ear)

Chris: (leaning over into Artie's other ear)
Now pull it out and put it on the block. Do it now or I will blow a fucking hole in your head, so help me god.

We see Artie making motions as if he were undoing his pants and looking down, he begins to cry harder

Artie:
Chris, please, please, God, I won't go near her again, I promise, please (Chris picks up the knife) no, no, no, please, I swear.

Chris pushes the pistol into the back of Artie's head again, he pulls the trigger and we hear a click

Chris:
If it weren't for Tone you would be laying here with your brains and your dick in your hand you fucking pezza di merda!

Chris leaves..Artie bends over across the table crying and holding his ear. The song continues to play.

Fade out

Scene 2

Fade In.

Interior. Bada Bing. Tony is with Gigi they have just walked in. There are heading to Silvio's office. Cut to Silvio's office. Silvio is sitting in his chair getting a blow job from one of the Bada girls. Tony approaches the door. (Rock music plays)

Silvio: (pushing on her head)
Come on suck! Mmmmm dat's it! Dat's it! Go, baby, go!

Tony: (trying the doorknob, then knocking)
Sil? Open the door!

Cut to inside the office

Silvio: (looking up at door)
Shit! Come on sweetheart. Unload it and get dressed. Fuck!

Tony: (from outside)
Sil! Goddamn it! Come on!

Silvio: (Shouting)
All right, I'm coming! (he stands up buckles his pants)

He walks over to the door and unlocks it, Tony and Gigi come walking in. The stripper walks out, topless of course. (music stops when the door closes)

Tony: (to Silvio)
What the fuck? Another job interview? (he laughs)

Gigi and Silvio laugh

Gigi:
You the human resource's director now?

Silvio:
Yea, ya know gotta make sure they can please the boss. They gotta be Bing material.

Tony walks around and sits at the desk. Gigi and Silvio stand in front of it.

Silvio:
What's up?

Tony:
Our buddy Ralphie. Gigi is a little upset at the lack of disrespect he's getting from him. Especially after the dinner the other night.

Silvio:
I see. Of course, we can't have this disrespect.

Gigi:
Fucking right about that. That motherfucker is pushing it, Tone. Everytime I'm around this fuck he manages to stick his finger in my ass.

Tony:
I know. But right now I can't have anything going on. So let's just look the other way for now. He's making his collections like he's supposed too and the boss is happy.(putting his hand on his chest) Gi, I know you deserve the respect you want. You'll get it. Sil? (looking at Silvio)

Silvio:
Exactly, exactly. (looking at Tony then Gigi) But then again, maybe what Ralphie needs ia a hand massage? (he crosses his arms) Just a little something to remind him, about the uh, chain of command.

Tony:
Ok. Something to show him to watch himself and learn about respect. I'll expect you to take care of it, Sil.

Silvio: (he nods)
I will take care of everything Tony.

Tony: (yelling and leaning forward pointing at Silvio)
Nothing extreme! The next time I see him he better be in one piece.

Silvio:
Yea Tone.

Tony: (to Gigi)
He's going to take care of everything.

Gigi:
All right.

Tony:
Come on, let's get a drink. And you (standing up out of chair to Silvio) can finish that interview.

Tony smiles and laughs, as does Gigi and Silvio. Tony and Gigi exit the office.

Fade out

Scene 3

Fade in.

Daytime. Tony and AJ are riding in his truck. He has picked up AJ from football practice. They are riding home in silence.

Tony:
How'd you make out today?

AJ:
Fine.

Tony: (watching the road)
Just fine?

AJ:
Yea. (he turns and looks at Tony) Dad?

Tony:
What?

AJ:
Are you in the Mafia?

Tony: (stunned)
What? What are you talking about? Where did you here this at? Is Meadow filling your head with ideas? She's still pissed at me, I'm not surprised.

AJ:
I keep hearing things. I read things with your name in it. I see Uncle Jun's name, Chris's name, Uncle Paulie, Sil, and others.

Tony:
Ok, those are all lies. The government puts my name in the paper because of the deals I have with my business.

AJ:
What?

Tony:
I mean. I have contracts with certain companies. The government feels I'm stepping on there toes. So they put my name in the paper to try and scare me. (looking at AJ, hoping he believes this) You know what a contract is don't ya?

AJ:
Yea, it's when somebody pays somebody to "rub out" somebody else.

Tony:
What? No, "rub out" where the f-, I mean you better stop watching those movies. A contract means a business signs an agreement with me and says I'll pay you if you take my trash away. Ok? That's a contract.

AJ:
Oh, like a deal?

Tony:
Yea a deal. OK?

AJ:
I've seen your picture on the Internet. With other bad guys. Why would they do that?

Tony:
They do that to discredit me. Make me look like a hooligan. Hoping to scare away the other businesses. Know what I'm saying?

AJ:(staring out the windshield)
Yea, the government is a bunch of pricks!

Tony:(upset)
Hey! Watch your damn mouth! If my father ever heard of me talking like that he'd slap me across the face. (he look at AJ)

AJ:
Sorry. (looking at Tony)

Tony:
All right. (feeling he disciplined AJ enough) We'll play some Nintendo when we get home.

AJ:
Ok, cool. Dad?

Tony:
Yea?

AJ:
I want to be in the Waste Business too.

Tony smiles awkwardly at AJ knowing quite well the double meaning of his statement.

Fade out

Scene 4

Fade in.

Interior daytime. FBI office. The special agents once again are assembled around the table. There are four of them. Agent Harris, along with Skip and two others.

Harris: (throwing tape down)
We got nothing. We do know that he should have more roughage in his diet. Contact the judge and tell him of our dilemma.

Skip:
You think he's gonna let us go back in?

Agent #1:
He better.

Harris:
I don't know. I don't see why not. Fuck!

Fade out

Scene 5

Fade in.

Interior. Daytime. Chris's Apartment. Chris and Adrienna are just lounging around watching TV.

Chris:
Here (hands Adrienna a joint)

Adrienna takes a pull off of it.

Adrienna:
Mmmmmmm baby, your my baby. (to Chris)

Chris: (he smiles arrogantly)
Ha. As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.

Adrienna:
Mmmm... (giggles) Baby, what am I gonna do now?

Chris:
What? What do you mean?

Adrienna:
Sitting at home like this everyday is gonna drive me fucking nuts. I gotta do something.

Chris:
No wife of mine is gonna work. Bullshit. You gotta understand where I am now in life ok. Get that through your iron head. You'll be fine. There will be things to do.

Adrienna:
Things to do!?! Like what? Sucking your dick? Spreading my legs for the catch of the day? You got another thing coming if you think that's all I'm for. I'm not gonna end up like Carmela and the others. (pointing) Fuck you! I'm smarter than you think.

Chris:
Oh, Jesus fuck, I don't need this shit tonight, I don't. (sucking on joint) I got enough fucking problems besides you. (blowing out smoke)

Adrienna:
Yea you just have so much to worry about Mr. Fucking Blue Collar Taxpayer. (mocking Chris)'Don't make anymore asparagus it gives me the shits.'

Chris:
Yea? (visibly angry) I tell YOU what you're for. Let's not forget who pays your for all your shit, ok? Think you could live without your goddamn Cover girl make up fucking kit?

Adrienna:
Fuck this I'm outta here! (getting up)

Chris:
You ain't leaving. (he gets up too, walking up too Ade)

Adrienna:
Don't you fucking touch me!

Chris: (grabbing her arm)
Sit fucking down, you ain't leaving!

Adrienna: (struggling to break free)
Mother-, bastard let me go!(starting to cry) Go!

Chris:
Sit!

Ade stops struggling and begins to cry profusely. Chris lets go.(music: Janice Joplin's "Cry baby" plays) They stand there side by side. He watches as she cries. He can't help but see how his life is gonna unfold and these arguments such that they are, will always happen. He hugs her, she hugs back and they stand there as she cries.

Fade out

Scene 6

Fade in.

Melfi's office. Day. Tony's weekly appointment. They are staring at each other. In the background we can hear a clock ticking. Melfi breaks the silence.

Melfi:
Your wife is very pretty.

Tony (playing with his knee, watching his hand glide over it)Thank you. It comes with a price. Anytime we talk about my dick, or money she gets bitchy. (he chuckles, and shoots his eyes to look for Melfi's reaction) She treats the girl scouts the same way.

Melfi:
She read me the riot act. I sensed her frustration. The fact that she can't help with the attacks.

Tony: (surprised)
Frustration? How blind are you? Maddon', the woman wants to rip your eyes out. I can't believe she didn't jump outta the chair and wrap your tits around your neck.

Melfi:
Why would she want to hurt me like that?

Tony:
Come on! You heard her yourself. I'll fuck anything with a pulse. She thinks were fucking. She's jealous, pity her.

Melfi:
I would like her to come back in next week. The first meeting we broke the ice, so to speak. This week her anger or jealousy as you put it will have faded. I would like to hear her talk about your past. Details you seem to tip-toe around.

Tony:
Broke the ice? You should she her when she has PMS! Makes the fucking Titanic look like a raft. She chewed you out. Blamed you for my not isolating my attacks. You want to see her again? You got balls, I'll tell ya. Balls! (holding his two hands in the air)

Melfi:
Did it ever occur to you that your wife's anger and jealousy is bankrolled by your infidelity?

Tony:
Where I point my pecker is my business. You wanna check me for a hernia? Am I covered for that?

Melfi:
Mr. Soprano, how would you feel if your wife had her own affair with another man.

Tony:
That would never happen. God forbid I even see a dog humping her leg, he's gonna be one sorry pooch. And if she a so much even faintly ( putting to fingers close together) faintly liked the guy, she wouldn't do it. She knows what would happen.

Melfi:
So it would hurt you?

Tony:
What time is it, are we done yet?

Melfi:
No we're not done, answer my question.

Tony: (he pauses)
I kissed you. (he smiles) How does that make you feel? Liking that hernia offer now, huh? (chuckling)

Melfi:
That was, honestly, the lowest point of my career. So don't flatter yourself.

Tony: (sing-song)
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.... (he stops) You let it happen. You wanted to know. You wanted to know how it would feel to kiss me. A figure like myself.

Melfi:
No, your wrong! I let my guard down. Maybe it was fear. I don't know. I'm considering stopping to treat you. You took advantage of the fact I was hurting physically.

Tony:
Oh, bullshit. (he looks away) Then I'm sorry it happened.

Melfi:
It was a major ethical blunder on my part. I broke the rules. Broke my own rules because I was weak.

A long pause as the camera does a 360 degree circle around Melfi and Tony. Then Tony looks up.

Tony:
Rules are made to be broken.

Fade out

Scene 7

Fade in.

Day. Exterior Brooklyn, NYC neighborhood. Furio, Tony, Hesh and Paulie are climbing out of a caddilac, which is parked on the side of the street. They are in a quiet neighborhood, approaching a small one story house. Nobody is outside.

Tony:
Everybody keep your fucking mouths shut. I'll do the talking. Don't speak unless spoken too. I don't have any idea if we're walking out alive. You ( talking to Furio) stand and keep you eyes open the whole fucking time. Don't as so much turn your head to look at the fucking drapes. ( he looks at everyone sternly) Let's go.

(music: Frank Sinatra's rendition of "Send in the clowns")

They are greeted at the door by a small man. Paulie is the last one to go inside. As we get a view of the home, the song plays. The house is typical of an Italian. Religious pictures and paintings adorn the living room. 8 by 10's of Frank Sintatra, the Pope, and Tony Bennett stand along the mantle. Cigar smoke lingers, clouding the house. They are ushered into a back room. Where, around a large wooden table two Russians sit, two older Italian men sit, and two more stand. Tony and Hesh sit, Paulie and Furio stand. Paulie is fervently wiping his hands with a towelette. Which he grabbed from his pocket after touching the door. Furio stares at him for a moment. Paulie looks up and with no sound says, "what?". A moment later another Italian man walks into the room. Younger than the ones sitting, however. Immediately, everyone at the table stands, albeit the Russians don't get up. Tony greets the old man with a hug and kiss, as does Hesh, Paulie and Furio. The man sits down. So does Tony and Hesh. (music fades)

Russian 1:(speaking Russian)
These fags always kissing and hugging each other.

Russian 2 chuckles

Russian 1: (heavy Russian accent)
We come here in peace today. We wouldn't bring trouble into your home, sir.(toward the don) You called us here to resolve our dispute. We came to see if we can settle and go on about our business. I have one objection before we continue. We have been patted down, so I ask if some of the men in this room leave. Make us feel more safer.

Rocco: (staring at Russians)
You and you (pointing to Furio and Paulie) out! You and you(pointing to the other two men standing) out! Everyone else stays. Capice?

They all exit

Russian 1: (confused)
What?

Rocco:
Understand? This good enough?

Russian 1:
Yes.

Rocco: (toward Tony)
How's your Uncle Junior, that big-in-the-ass.

Tony: (smiling)
He's fine. He sends his respect.

Rocco:
And I send mine. (looking at Russians and back at Tony) I don't give a fuck what happened. Now, (looking at Russian) maybe you flipped over a fucking fruit stand on his turf(pointing at Tony). So he's gonna piss in your potato's. Back and forth, Back and forth. Until those fucking government hard-on's start sticking their noses in your crack. I got enough problems listening to my old lady bitch about her shagging tits, and why her tomato plants keep fucking dying. No more explosion's.(looking at Tony) You wanna bring more problems then you already got?

Tony: (quietly)
No.

Rocco:
I'm telling you now to stop. Capice?

Tony: (quietly) Yes

Rocco: (to Russians)
He's going to stop. You're going to stop too, right?

Russian 1:
He burned down club!

Rocco: (waving his hands in the air)
Dadadadadada... I don't give a fuck what he did. Did anyone die?

Russian 1:
No.

Rocco:
Was the joint insured?

Russian 1:
Yes.

Rocco:
Then what the fuck you worried about? You're getting a pay-off. So fucking relaxing, take the check and buy another joint, get a blow-job wit the change.

There is silence as the Russians sit and look around. Tony stares at Russian 1.

Russian 2: (speaking Russian to Russian 1)
Raise the tax.

Russian 1: (speaking Russian to Russian 2)
Hmmmm..I don't think they would object. Fuck them if they do!
(speaking English to the don) That is a fair agreement. However, I must raise tax on all liquors coming from my homeland.

Rocco looks at Tony.

Tony: (angered)
What the fuck? You're the fucks that started this!

Hesh:
Tony!

Rocco:(to Tony)
Now come on calm the fuck down. (to Russians) You got no right raising the tax. He isn't gonna pay it. I ain't gonna pay it.

Russian 2: (to Rocco)
It's our business you're forgetting, gentleman. If we see fit to raise our prices to offset our expense then we do that. You are more than welcome to find a cheaper supplier. After all, isn't that the American way? Freedom of choice? (the Russians chuckle)

Rocco:
Yea it is. If this is how it's gonna be to make peace, then it is. I'm sure there are other businessmen we can get a better deal from. Raise the price as high as you want. You're not gonna come crying to me if he raises his on his automobiles are you? (looking at Russian)

Russian 1: (mocking Hyman Roth from the Godfather 2)
This is business we have chosen. We do what we do to survive. The peace has been made. No more attacks from us, if Mr.Tony gives his word no more attacks toward us.

Rocco: (at Tony, mockingly)
Mr. Tony?

Tony:
You have my word.
Wonderful. Good. (standing up) Gentleman, I'm glad we could work this out. (everyone else stands up, shaking Russians hands) Goodbye.

The Russians exit. Furio and Paulie re-enter. As do the other goons. Rocco walks around and gives Tony a hug. Paulie and Furio pay there respects. Rocco exits quietly. Tony leans over to Paulie.

Tony: (quietly)
Fucking Commie Bastards!

Paulie:
We good?

Tony:
We're fine. Gotta find a new liquor supplier. I won't be surprised if the old man raises the weekly by a point or more. Then I gotta raise mine. Everybody gets fucked!

Paulie:
Chrissy will love the great news.

Furio:
Hey, let's git the fuck outta 'ere.

They exit the room.

Fade out

Scene 8

Fade in.

Interior. Day. Soprano home. The TV is on and AJ is home. Bonnie, his friend from school is also there. They are on the couch.

AJ:
This is cool, I like this show.

Bonnie:
Yeah, me too. AJ? Why did those kids say those things about your dad the other day?

AJ:
I don't know. Maybe they're jealous. I kicked his ass. (laughs)

Bonnie:
Yea, Does it still hurt? (she leans over and puts her hand on AJ's face)

AJ:
Um, a little.

Bonnie:
It's all red still.

AJ:
Yea.

AJ leans over and gives her a soft kiss on the lips. She gasps, and pulls away. But then they kiss again.

Bonnie:
That was nice.

AJ:
Yeah, Let's do it again.

Bonnie:
Ok.

(music: Fats Domino's "Blueberry Hill")

They kiss again. This time it gets a little heavy. They lean back onto the couch and start making out. After several minutes the front door opens and Carmela walks in.

Carmela: (carrying bags)
Hello! Anthony!?! Come and help me please.

Cut to AJ and Bonnie on the couch.

AJ: (pushing bonnie away)
Shit! My mom.

He pushes Bonnie away. She falls off the couch onto the floor.

AJ:
Opps, sorry. I gotta help my mom. Damn!

Carmela:
Anthony Jr.! Where the hell are you?

AJ and Bonnie walk into the kitchen where Carmela is looking into a bag and pulling groceries out. She starts to talk before looking up.

Carmela: (looking into bag)
I got your cereal, and the notepad you asked me for. (she looks up) Oh, I didn't know you had company. Who is this doll?

AJ:
Mom this is Bonnie, Bonnie this is my mom.

Bonnie:
Hi. (she smiles)

Carmela: (with a bright smile on her face)
Hi, nice to meet you. Do you go to school with Anthony?

Bonnie:
Yes. Your house is very nice.

Carmela: (charmed)
Oh, Thank you. You're so sweet. Where are you from honey?

Bonnie:
I live a couple of blocks over.

Carmela looks at AJ with a smile, then notices lipstick smeared all over his face.

AJ:
I'm gonna walk her home. I'll be back later.

Carmela:
Ok, becareful. Nice meeting you Bonnie. Anthony, honey can I see you for a second?

Bonnie:
You too Mrs. Soprano.

As Bonnie heads to foyer, Carmela grabs AJ by the ear and pulls him into the Living room.

AJ:
Owww!! Ma!

Carmela:
Shut up, get in here. What were you doing before I walked in?

AJ:
We were watching tv.

Carmela:
Tv? Don't lie to me Anthony, your face has lipstick all over it. What were you doing?

AJ:
What are you talking about? My face? (he rubs his face and sees the lipstick on his hand) I kissed her, big deal.

Carmela:
Listen to me (shaking her finger in his face) I think it's nice to bring a girl by here for me and your father. But I don't want you alone here with her again. Understand?

AJ:
Oh geez ma.

Carmela:
Don't geez me, Anthony. Never again. I don't want you to end up with herpes for god sakes.

AJ: (confused)
Herbies?

Carmela:
Never alone again!

AJ:
All right

Tony comes walking in through the kitchen, and sees Carmela and AJ. AJ walks by his father into the foyer with Bonnie.

Tony: (pointing to the foyer)
Hey, who's the broad in the front door?(smiling)

AJ:
Nobody. Bye.( AJ leaves)

Carmela approaches

Tony: (to Carmela)
What's up his ass?

Carmela:
I think that's your son's new girlfriend, Bonnie.(she crosses her arms)

Tony: (he smiles)
No shit, he's got a goomare?? (chuckles)

Carmela:
Yes, it seems he's a chip off the old block too. They were making-out when I walked in. You better have a talk with him. Between you and your (mocking him) "goomares", and Janice, I don't need my son chasing whores around. One man-whore in this house is enough!(looking at Tony spitefully)

Tony:
At least one Soprano is getting some tail.

Carmela: (disgusted)
You... pig... you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

Tony stares at Carmela

Fade out

Scene 9

Fade in

Day, interior. Juniors house. Jun is sitting on the recliner under a blanket he is watching tv. In comes Bacala carrying a tv dinner.

Bacala: (putting dinner on tray in front of Jun)
Here you go. Turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, some cranberry sauce.

Junior:
Look at this, reminds of the fucking shit those boys ate in World War 2.

Bacala:
You weren't in the war.

Junior: (snapping)
Did I say I was in the war!?! I said it reminds of the shit that they ate. Let me taste this. ( he tastes a little of it) Ahh, it's not too bad. Git me some water.

Bacala:
Yea. (he goes to get the water)

Junior:
Ohh, god-fucking-damnit!!(putting hands on stomach) My fucking stomach is killing me.

Bacala: (returning with water)
Here.

Junior: (he drinks the water)
I'm done. Git this shit outta here.

Bacala:
You didn't even touch it. Come on, Jun you gotta eat. You need your strength.

Junior:
What do I need my fucking strength for? I'm locked in this fucking house everyday like a caged animal! (he sighs) Making that fuck Howard Hughes look like a prince.

Bacala:
You know what you need? A hobby. Let me go buy you some paints or something.

Junior:
Hobby? Am I a retard? You want me to stomp my feet and clap my hands like I'm in a VFW parade!?!

Bacala:
I'm just saying, you need something to do. Keep your spirits up.

Junior:
Then call your sister, let's have some fun.

Bacala:
Come, on Jun.

Junior:
Leave me alone. Let me watch my shows.

Bacala sighs and goes into the kitchen. Jun watches the tv. Some old show, in black and white. The camera catches him just sitting there from the Tv's point of view. He falls asleep.

Fade out

Scene 10

Fade in

Day, interior. The Bada Bing. Silvio and Furio are sitting at the bar having drinks. In comes Gigi and Georgie the Mason. They approach the bar.

Silvio: (to Gigi)
Hey! Christ, look at this fucking head of yours, it's like a grease trap... You're dripping all over my floors!

Gigi:
Fuck you!(he laughs) You fat-lipped bubba motherfucker.

Everyone laughs

Gigi:
Gentleman, this is a friend of mine, Georgie. Youse remember I was telling you about him last week.

Furio: (putting hand out)
Yea, The cocka-blocka!

Georgie: (shaking hand)
Yea, dat's me.

Silvio: (shaking his hand)
How you doin'?

Georgie:
I'm aw-ight. How youse guys doin'? I hear you need help wit sum'umm. Let me be of help to youse.

Silvio:
Dat sound's good. You can help us out. (he puts his arm around Geo, they walk into Silvio's office)

Cut To Ralphie in the parking lot of a construction site. Hes talking to the foreman. He notices someone leaning against his truck parked on the street. It's Geo the Mason.

Ralphie:
Look at this dick.(pointing toward his truck)I'll talk to you later. (he shakes the foremans hand) Hey, get off my truck! (walking out of lot toward truck) Who the fuck you think you are? If you're smart you'll get off.

Georgie:
Who the fuck are you?

Ralphie:
It doesn't matter who the fuck I am, git off my truck, or we're gonna have problems.

Georgie:
I came here just for dat. I solve problems.

(music: Metallica's "Seek and Destroy" plays)

They are face to face now. Before Ralphie can do anything, Geo takes a swing and nails Ralphie in the face. He draws blood. Geo has brass knuckles in his left fist. He turns Ralphie over, stands over top of him, and punches.

Georgie:
Take your medicine you cock-knocker. Fucking cock-knocker!! (he pummels his face a couple of times.)

(the music gets louder)

Then drives the knuckles into his ribs. You can here his rib's crack. Ralphie groans. He reaches for his pistol. Geo kicks it out into the street. He stops punching, grabs Ralphie by the shirt.

Georgie:
Motherfucking bastardo, you got blood on Lugz! (he looks at his boots) Shit. (then up at Ralphie) You better learn to respect people in this business. You've been warned. (he lets go)

Georgie walks away. You hear a car start and screech away. Ralphie turns to his side and vomits. (music fades)

Fade out.

Scene 11

Fade in. Day, exterior. Tony is in his truck and it rolls to a stop at a red light. It's a wonderful day. Warm, sun is shining. Tony's window is down, he's smiling, looking out at the park across the street to his left. He spots a little tabby cat walking along the grass.

Tony: (making kissing sounds)
Hey kitty. ( he smiles)

The cat sits and looks up at Tony from the grass across the street.

Tony: (kissing sounds)
Hey kitty-kitty.

Cat: (Pussy's voice)
Hey Tone, you didn't have to throw me in the ocean did ya? I mean geez.

Tony: (confused, bewildered)
What the fuck?

Cat: (Pussy's voice)
Tone, I said you shouldn't have thrown me in the ocean. Shit, I didn't even get a fucking funeral. Some friend you are.

Tony: (realizing its Pussy)
Fuck you! You knew the fucking the rules, you broke 'em, that's what happens!

Cat: (Pussy's voice)
Oh come on, why was I passed over? We were friends for how long? What was I supposed to do? They had me pinched! I told ya, Tone I didn't give 'em anything.

Tony:(disgusted)
Jesus Christ, Pus. Don't fucking start it. Don't give me a fucking guilt trip here. You play by the rules and you live.

Cat: (pussy's voice)
How many more of your friends you gonna clip, Tone? Family too? What about Christopher, you gonna clip him too when the time comes?

Tony:
Fuck you! Motherfucker!

Tony guns the engine and swerves over the road making a u turn, and heads for the curb to try and run over the cat. He slams the brakes and hits a tree. Smashing his truck.

Cut to Tony back in the truck at the light. The car behind him is beeping. He's looking over at the curb and grass, no cat. Evidently it was a dream.

Tony: (shouting) Shud up! I'm going.

He drives away.

Fade out

Scene 12

Fade in

Night, interior. Satriales. We are in the back room of Satriales. Tony, Paulie, Patsie, Gigi, Silvio, Chris, Furio, Larry Boy Barese are seated and eating dinner. Very quietly they go about eating the food. The camera circles the table slowly.

Paulie:
Cheese, please. (Furio hands Paul the graded parm.) Grazi.

Silvio:
You got anymore of that wine your cousin gave you? (motioning to Paulie)

Paulie: (eating)
I drank the rest of it. It was too dry for you anyway.

Chris:
Did you wipe the rim of bottle with a towelette?(he laughs)

The guys chuckle

Paulie: (to Chris)
You're very funny. Let me ask you this. How do you keep your nose from hitting the plate everytime you try to spoon some linguini?

Tony: (he laughs)
Ohhhhh....He's fighting dirty now.

Everybody laughs.

Chris: (humbled)
Shud up.

Larry Boy:
Hey Paulie, you didn't put to much pepper in the gravy this week. It's good gravy. Good gravy.(he gets a piece of italain bread and sops up some gravy and it eats it)

Paulie:
Grazi. I put some parm cheese in it dis week. Give it a different taste. I keep my self on my toes.

Furio:
Reminds me of my nona's.

They continue eating

Tony:
I think my son has a goomare now.

Paulie:
That's good. She'll keep him in line.

Furio:
He's so young. She still must be a hairless clam.

Everyone laughs.

Silvio: (eating)
Hey Tone, I think that's wonderful. If he needs some pointers, tell him Uncle Silvio will be glad to help him out. I'll bring some chicks from the company over to the tike's bedroom. Help him stain those SpiderMan sheets.

Tony: (jokingly warns him)
Hey!! Thanks for the offer but I think he's gonna pass.

Patsy:
Hey Tone, how's your little girl?

Tony:
She's ok. School is fine. Always begging for money.

They chuckle.

Patsy:
She got a boyfriend yet? Does Tony Soprano gotta slap anybody around that touches his princess?

Paulie: (to Patsy)
Tony won't do it, I will.

Chris:
I'll be standing behind Paulie when he does it.

Tony smiles.

Tony:
I think my wife can handle it all by herself after a few shots of Sambuca.(he laughs)

Furio:
Talk about mean women? I got one fur you. I know dis woman in Italy. We called her the garlic queen. Dis woman, maddon, what a puttana she was. She would do dee's exercises keep her tomato as tight as a bear trap. Make duh guys cock's sing songs!! (he laughs) The best lay she be, so I hear. But she was vixen. She make money from the wives of cheaters and scumbags.

Larry Boy:
What the fuck does the garlic queen mean then?

Silvio:
Maybe she had bad breath.

Gigi: (to Silvio)
Like you?

Paulie:
Shud up! Let him finish!

Furio:
Grazi (to Paulie) (to the guys) We called her the garlic queen cause like I say, she was vixen. Wive's would pay dis woman to see if there husband's cheat. She rub garlic inside her pussy. Any man dat she fucked, his cock would smell like garlic for a week. The wife smells the dick and she knows he fool aroun' on her. Not just the wives, but the church too. They check the young boys, make sure dey stay pure. She make a lot o' money dat bitch!

Silvio:
Dat's fucked up! Those women over there will do anything for a buck.

Larry Boy:
She put garlic in her pussy?? Oh that's disgusting!

Gigi:
Hey Furio, why does it smell like garlic everytime you finish taking a piss in the bathroom!

They laugh

Larry Boy:
How much bleach and vinegar she must used when she had to plunge it out every month! (to Furio) You shake her down?

They laugh

Chris:
Fuck man, I'm trying to eat!

Tony:
Next time I get a piece of ass, I'll make sure our new boy over here (pointing to Chris) tastes the good's before I stick my cock in there.

The room erupts in laughter.

Chris:
No fucking way, I pass.

Things quiet down, they continue eating

Silvio: (leaning into Tony whispering in his ear)
Ralphie got the message.

Tony nods.

Paulie: (whispering to Tony)
You gonna tell 'em now?

Tony: (quietly)
Yea... (louder)Ok listen up. Word came down today the old man raised his collection from all the Jersey families. So in turn I gotta raise mine. Everybody is getting kicked up a point starting next week. Get your affairs in order. Squeeze your businesses, do whatever you gotta do to keep me happy so I can keep Jun happy, so he can keep Fonte happy. Capice? Don't get nuts. (looking at Chris)

Chris
What are you looking at me for?

Paulie: (sternly)
You know exactly why. Smarten up and watch who your talking too.

Gigi:
I don't have a problem with anything Tone.

Silvio:
Me either. It's just another example of the food chain: Eat or be eatin'.

Furio: (repeating the phrase "eat or be eaten" in Italian)
Mangia o essere mangiato.

Tony:
Whatever, where's the cannoli?

Fade out

Scene 13

Fade in

Day, interior, FBI office. Agent Harris and his commander of the bug team. They are sitting around the table.

Agent Harris:
The judge has given us clearance to re-enter the home and find a new nest for the bug. So, I want you to get right on that. I want the bug placed in by the end of the week.

Agent:
Ok you got it. Shouldn't be a problem, since we've been inside before. I'll get the same crew as last time.

Agent Harris:
Good, get on it, so we can nail this greaseball.

The other Agent laughs.

Fade out.

Scene 14

(Ava Maria plays)

Fade in, day, interior, Carmela's church. Seated in the front pew is Carmela, alongside of her is Father Phil. Point of view of the camera is at the entrance of the church. Looking from the door to the backs of Carmela and Father Phil. The priest is wearing his confessional garments. The church is very dark, dimly lit. What light there is, is by candlelight Cut to close-up of them. Father Phil is looking at Carmela with a smile on his face. After several seconds, the song fades. You can see the candlelight reflecting off their faces.

Father Phil:
I hope the penance I dolled out isn't too harsh. ( he giggles)

Carmela:
No, it fits just fine. I guess I just have to try and be a better catholic.

Father Phil:
Ahh, the never-ending quest for serenity. You're doing a great job, Carmela. Believe me.

Carmela: (she smiles)
Thank you.You know about my family, can I ask what your family is like, Father?

Father Phil:
Sure since I know about yours. My family (he sighs, and then chuckles) You know what's weird? Sometimes a child will come up to me. He or she will say, thank you for praying for me. Thanks for talking to god. Then they ask, to whom am I a father too? It's so cute sometimes, they think I'm everybody's dad. They're young still and don't understand. They see me as a man of God. Most of the time they're surprised to find out I have a mother and father like everyone else, you know. Cousins, Uncles, Aunts the whole thing. I'm supposed to be the lord's servant. I have been called upon by God to spread his word. Instill the warmth and love that makes him such an ever present being.

Carmela: (somberly, very softly)
I know.

Father Phil:
How, how... Um... Let me see how well I can put this. How can such a holy man as myself. A person with such influence on so many....a symbol of purity....how can he come from a regular run-of-the-mill family? It doesn't fit the picture of my job. Are you with me on this?

Carmela: (softly)
I think so.

Father Phil:
I'm trying to say. People look at the Pope as the closest thing to Jesus and God on earth. Yet they sometimes forget, at one time in his life he was a boy. He played games. He pulled the girls' hair. He was a person first. Before his calling. We are just not born into the cloth. Things sometimes happen in life that we can't control. In your heart you feel it. You follow it. Not all people do Carmela. I followed my heart.

Carmela: (softly, smiling)
I know you did. I'm glad you did. You're a wonderful man. A wonderful priest. I'm proud of you.

Father Phil:
Thank you, it means alot coming from you. It does.(he touches her hand) My family, uh, you know, is probably not ideal as you may want to imagine. What I've been trying to say is, my father, he uhhhh.......he uhhh(tears rolls down his face, sighs)um...dear old dad, he(Carmela look at him endearingly)was a very abusive drunk. The memories I have of him are faint if any. I have run from my past. I don't need to hear people tell me what a triumph over the bad things I've accomplished.

Carmela:
Oh, father, I had no idea. Oh I'm sorry.

Father Phil:
Thank you, see not every priest comes from a happy home.(he pauses, collecting his thoughts) My father I learned to forgive over time. Thanks to my faith. He beat me a lot, Camrela. Beat my mother, and my sister, also. Relentlessly. My teen age life was just a nightmare.(he continues to cry) He once....one time he hit my sister so hard he knocked her teeth out!(he sobs) She was a 14. A... a defenseless girl. And I... One night he just, came home drunk and raped my mother. We heard the screams, and hid in a closet.(he sobs)I did nothing! Nothing to help her!

Carmela:
Oh, father.(she hugs him tightly, he continues to sob) It's ok now. It's ok. What could you do? You were a boy.

Father Phil: (sobbing)
I couldn't do anything. I couldn't make myself do anything. I should of......I.....

Carmela:
It's ok now. You're doing it now. (wiping the tears off his face) Look at yourself, your doing it now. Everyday. Everyone that passes through here you manage to touch them. Touch them in your own special way that no one else can.

Father Phil: (he breaths deep, sighs, sniffles)
I guess. I don't have no way of knowing this. I can't see the lives I touch today, its........people are less involved. The church, the times are different. Uhhhhhh( he sniffs again) Man. Am I touching you...can you feel my presence? Do I make a difference in your life, Carm?

They are holding hands

Carmela:
Yes, everyday you are. All the time. I take every word you say Father, into my heart. I do my best follow your guidance. Lord, knows I try.

Father Phil:
I have not told anyone about my past. I may have run from it. I'm so ashamed of carrying that around. And me, me being this pious person, seen as incapable of making errors.

Carmela:
Father, nobody is perfect. No matter who they are.(she is rubbing his back, he is holding her hand) Nobody is.

Father Phil:
No one has ever asked about my past, really. It was just assumed that I can from a well-to-do family. I never spoke out about it either. Didn't have to. I left it alone. Big mistake.

Carmela:
You're ok now. (tears form in her eyes) You'll get stronger. You can always talk to me. I'll be your shoulder anytime. I want to. Ok?

Father Phil:
You got it, Carmela. You're a......wonderful woman, you are. (her hand is now on his neck and her fingers lightly play with the hair on the lower part of the back of his head, he looks at her, she smiles back) Your beautiful......inside and out. I want...thing could.....

Silence....Father Phil begins to lean toward Carmela. The stare at each other just inches away. The candlelight is fluttering over there faces. Carm stares into Father Phils eyes. Carmela abruptly turns her face away, gets on her knees.

Carmela: (she takes a deep breath)
Will you pray with me again, please? Please pray with me...

Father Phil: (he stops leaning) (softly, shocked)
Yes. Yes, pray...... we need prayer.

Carmela:
Will you lead?

He nods. He kneel's along side.

Father Phil: (making the sign of the cross)
In the name of the father and of the son and of the holy Spirit. Amen. Lord, our daily lives and passions take us through many emotions. Weakness lurks in the shadows. Sometimes masked in serenity. Evil has been cast aside in our lives. The light of your salvation grows inside of us.(he pauses)............. Brighter everyday, warmer everynight. Our burden, God, is the proof of your existence. Our sojourn on Earth is your mission to carry healing and love. Let us find the strength, in our hearts, in our minds, in our conscience, and above all in our faith. To keep from dropping our sword in the gauntlet of evil and adversity. Dear Lord we ask this in your name. Amen.

Father Phil and Carmela: (in unison)
In the name of the Father and Son and Holy spirit. Amen.

We see them side by side kneeling in the first pew as the camrea pulls away

(Ava Maria begins to play again)

Fade out

Scene 15

Fade in, night, interior, Meadows dormroom. It's the middle of the night. Meadow is sleeping, the door to her dorm slowly opens. Her roommate tip-toes in. She is holding the hand of some guy. They are drunk

Roommate: (laying on the bed)
Shhhh(she giggles)off!(she takes his shirt off)Mmmmmmm sexy.

The Guy reaches down and kisses her. She moans. He takes off her shirt. Kisses her again.

Guy:
Mmmmm come on now. You're hot, baby. Come on. Yea that's it!

Roommate:
Shhh(giggling) Come on now, get it on, fast.

Guy:
I'm trying. Fucking had to much to drink(he hiccups). They we go.

Roommate moans again.

Roommate:
MMMM yes! That's it, yea. Give it all you got honey! Go, go! yes! uh, uh.

They start making love pretty hard. Meadow wakes up and rolls over.

Meadow: (half asleep)
What the hell are you doing? I'm trying to sleep get outta here. (she grabs a book and throws it at there direction. Hits the Guy: on the head)

Guy:
OW!! ( he stops what he's doing) Shit that hurt.

Meadow:
Get the hell outta my room asshole. Before I call security!(she throws another book)

Guy:
Ow, damnit ok, I'm going, where the hell is my shirt?(he falls off the bed)Shit!

Meadow:
Now!

Roommate:
Oh god, Meadow: you're such a prude. Ms. Virgin!

Guy:
I'm outta here!

He leaves.

Meadow:
God, I've had enough of your shit. You're nuts. I'm getting a different room assignment next semester.

Roommate:
Whatever!

Meadow:
Goodnight!

She goes back to sleep.

Fade out

Scene 16

Fade in

Day, Interior, front door of Soprano house. There is a knock at the door. The maid answers.

Maid: (opening door)
Hello, Mrs. Soprano is not at home.

Charmaine:
That's ok, I'm looking for Tony.

(she walks in)

Maid:
He is watching TV in the back.

Charmaine:
Ok, thank you.

She heads to the back room where Tony is watching TV. Camera is still on the Maid.

Maid: (under her breath)
Fat-assed ham that he is!

Cut to Living Room. Tony is on couch, Charmaine walks around standing in front of him. He sits up.

Tony: (looking somber)
Hey, how you doin'?

Charmaine:
You fucking coward bastard! You leave my husband alone! Stay away from him! (shouting and tears running down her eyes) He has worked too hard in his life to get where he is today. A hundred times harder than your sorry ass!

Tony:
Hey!

Charmaine:
I'm tawking! Shut up! He is a good father, a good husband, a great chef. The only thing you're gonna do is use him! Just like you use everybody else in this town. How stupid do you think I am? You want to go in business with him. It sickens me you would even go near such an honest man like Artie. Artie,(crying) Artie is ten times the man you are. You could never be as great as him. No matter how many goddamn legs you break or people you kill. Don't bring him into this Tony! Please, you will be sorry. It will be his blood on your hands.

Tony:
Come on now, calm down!

Charmaine:
I'm not finished! He is so adorable sometimes. But he can be so gullible too, he thinks your this great friend, oh, please it's pathetic. You're no friend. Stop filling his head your evils, goddamn it! You are pathetic excuse for a man! Leave him out of it! I'm begging you. (she cries)

She looks up at Tony and spits in his face. He just sits there in bewilderment.

Charmaine leaves.

Tony: (wiping his face)
Shit.

Fade out

Scene 17

Fade in

Day, Interior of the Mall. Tony is standing by a fountain. Nickels and dimes are scattered at the bottom. He's looking at it. His reflection is distorted from the small waves. As we see his face reflected in the fountain. Another man walks up to him. He sees the face in the pool, looks up and turns to him.

Tony:
Hey Elliot Ness, it's about fucking time. (he gives the detective the once over) Nice suit. (chuckling, noticing stains on his dress shirt)

Detective:
I just finished lunch.

Tony:
Use your mouth next time, you fuck's really are pigs!

Detective: (pulling a piece of paper from the inside pocket of his jacket)
I checked it out.

Tony:
Well? Who is the jerk-off that hit her?

Detective:
There was no accident.

Tony:
What the fuck do you mean there was no accident? I saw her with my own two eyes. She looked like she was put through a fucking meat grinder, so don't give me that shit.

Detective:
I am telling you, there was no accident. I used every resource I could and there is no record of any automobile accident involving a Dr. Jennifer Melfi. I did find something else however.

Tony:
And what was that?

Detective:
Their is a recent police report that pulled up the name you gave me, but it was for a rape.

Tony:
What? What the fuck did you say? A rape?

Detective:
Yes. (looking at his paper) The victim suffered various cuts and bruises to the face as well as injury to her right knee. There was an arrest. Evidence against her assailant was all there, but the chain of custody was broken so he was released.

Tony: (obviously upset)
That's her. He was let go? Mother fuck me! You've gotta be shittin' me. The cocksucker was let go? You mean the fucking Feds can put there hands all over my yam bag, but those fucks can't even handle an arrest? Wonderful!

Detective:
We got a name.

Tony: (pulls a roll of twenties out of his as thick as a soda can)
Yea? What is it? What is it?

Detective:
Jesus Rossi.

Black out.

~Written by~
Rocco DeLaurentis Jr. AKA REGIS

~Scene's 1 & 17 written by~
Lanie AKA c_sopranos
Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4