The Sopranos - Family Values

Review By Dr. Scott

NOTE from the Webmaster: I would just like to thank Dr. Scott for his great reviews this season and I would love him to come back and judge the 6th and final chapter of the Sopranos saga, that is rumored to start airing in about 18 months. I will rate the next season on the 1 - 10 bases, just because I am lazy and cannot force myself to sit down and write something as detailed and well thought out.

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Season Five, Episode Thirteen (Episode 65 - All Due Respect)

Review By Dr. Scott

Earlier this week, I engaged in a little of my own espionage.

I got an email from someone claiming to have the inside scoop on the SOPRANOS finale, which was just 4 days away on Sunday. Did I want to know what was going to happen?

Now, in a situation like this, you have to decide whether or not you’re going to take the moral high road, or if you’re going to be like me and virtually demand that the person on the other end of that computer give it up, and it better be true.

I got a message back from...well, we’ll call them "Mr. Shhh", and I was informed:

"Tony S. shoots Tony B. in the face with a shotgun. Tony S. and Johnny Sack meet, and the Feds take away Johnny S. Tony gets away. Tony walks home."

It’s funny, how I interpreted that email versus what actually happened.

So, anyhow, we all saw what happened last night. Today, I’m talking to people about the finale. There is a large contingent that believes this was the weakest season yet for our beloved show. There is another that still insists they cry whenever they see Adrianna receive the Bullets Parmesan from Silvio. There are those who mourn what could have been between Johnny’s gang and Tony’s gang, how the final season coulda just been this all-out gang way, people gettin’ capped left and right until there was only one Highlander.

Whatta I think?

Well, I think that this was a season that started off rough and unsure of itself, gained its footing, made several decisions that divided SOPRANOS fans just as Tony divided the family with his treatment of Tony B. But I think that, ultimately, this was an excellent season.

Go back and read some of my older reviews for this season, you’ll find me screaming for bloodshed, for something, anything to happen. I stand by all that. I still think that the violent backbeat that’s present in every episode drives this show; the knowing that, at any moment, any of these characters could just BAM!– end up on a FRIENDS-related sitcom is one of its greatest strength (Incidentally, I’d like to wish Adrianna La Cerva and Drea De Matteo and their gorgeous ass a grand old time over on NBC– call me!).

Last night, a few more things occurred than Tony B. eating a bullet and Johnny Sack going downtown. This is my last review for you folks, so let’s drag out the old format and talk about what happened, eh? And, by the way, let it be known that I did not see the episode twice as I usually do before I write a review. So, let’s not get all hostile up in my email box if a few things ain’t right, okay? Hear me, Amber?

Tony and Carmela, back together again. Say what you will about the fact that Carmela is just using Big T to get something for an eventual divorce later on, spit those conspiracy theories at me until I vomit directly on your pants area, just keep on tellin’ me. Cause I don’t fucking care. I like seeing these two together, and I like seeing them together now more than ever. Isn’t it weird to think back about Carmela shtupping that dude from AJ’s school at this point? WEIRD.

And what of AJ Soprano? Party Planner? Future member of the Fab Five? I don’t think so. I think it’s great that the dude seems to have something to do that he really enjoys, even if his parents don’t completely approve. I can relate to that. When I started my Underwater Fire Prevention School For People Who Look Like Tony Danza, my parents were just sick with grief. Now they see that I’ve dropped that for a career as a journalist/novelist/general pain in the ass and they grit their teeth and they say, "Dammit! We should’ve had another one."

How about that Silvio/Tony "stern talking to"? I’ll say this about Silvio: Stern....stern, but fair. Stern, but fair, people. That’s gonna be my mantra next season. I thought Tony was gonna take the advice from his consigliere a little better, but maybe my friend Mike is right. Maybe Tony is losing his shit. That’s what we Texans say when we mean someone’s going crazy. Or moving out with all their spouse’s furniture and leaving the state unannounced. Stuff like that.

One more thing I think was very, very important last night was the portrait of Tony that Paulie had on his wall. First of all, let me say: That thing was fucking hilarious and I want a copy of it right now. Can you hook that up, "Mr. Shhh?" I’d love you forever.

I was surprised that Tony took such offense to it, especially after we’re shown him watching that documentary/television show about....oh, shit. I forget what General that was. You guys are gonna treat me like a $2 Peruvian whore now, I know, forgetting the details. Please don’t write me to let me know, because I’m sure I’ll remember as soon as I send this in to The Boss.

Tony threw that portrait in the trash, but my left nut says we see that thing again before all is said and done. Why do you guys think he took such offense to it? Discuss, write me an essay, send it in, maybe me and the Webmaster here will post some of the good ones. That is, if I’m still part of the action around here...

Which reminds me, guys. This is my last review for THE-SOPRANOS.com, and I haven’t yet received an invitation to return next season. I have enjoyed my time here, all the emails, all the support, especially all the hate mail (call me crazy; that shit makes my day). This season’s best hate mail goes to some jerk-off named Baxter, who wrote to tell me: "I’ve seen better shit written on restroom walls." I laughed like hell at that one. Clever. If you’d like to see your friendly neighborhood Doctor return to do reviews next season, please inundate the email box of the webmaster here at the-sopranos.com with support.

I’ve loved my time spent with you guys, and I am not looking forward to the long, long, long break ahead while the SOPRANOS crew gets their shit together and spends the next two years or so filming a new season. My sources are telling me not to expect new SOPRANOS until 2006. Jesus Harold Christ, I’ll be past my mid-20's by then. That’s sick, folks. We should be ashamed.

Wait, no, they should be ashamed. We need quicker turnover, HBO!

In closing, I loved last night’s episode. I wasn’t surprised at all, considering that Mr. Shhh had sent me that information earlier in the week, but I loved watching it all play out. Because there’s been such controversy over the "number ratings" system here, let me get all arbitrary and give last night’s episode 10 billion stars and half a milkshake.

Ciao, my fellow SOPRANOS fans. It’s been a blast.

Word.

Dr. Scott

If you have comments about this review send them directly to Dr. Scott at until_dark@yahoo.com

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