The Sopranos - Family Values

Review By Dr. Scott

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Season Five, Episode Twelve (Episode 64 - Long-Term Parking)

Review By Dr. Scott

With only one more episode to go in season five, THE SOPRANOS got its hands dirty again this week with several major developments and more than a few spots that likely had Sopranos fans cheering (or crying) all over the country.

I’ve been bitching infrequently this season about the relatively little bloodshed from/of major characters, and about how I thought too many episodes were simply spinning their wheels when there was plenty of story to get to (read: characters to be whacked) in what has become a fairly short amount of time. Don’t shoot the messenger, but we got just one more episode this season, followed by a break during which I will finish college, start a family, get divorced, remarry, divorced again, be frozen in Carbonite, revived, go through law school, die, be reincarnated, all just in time for the final season (at a truncated 10 episodes, if what I’ve heard is true) drops on us. Last season took a lot of flak from a lot of people who didn’t think it was up to par with the rest of the series, but I’d argue that this was more true of the current season than the last.

That said, this season has also provided Sopranos fans with some of the series’ high points. Please indulge me as I run through a list of my favorite moments from this past season, like: That brilliant episode where we all that Christopher was gonna have the bullets parmesan after shooting Tony’s car; The scene from a few episodes back between Melfi and Tony, with him describing that first panic attack after fighting with his mother, and the guilt he earned from lying about it; The awkward attempts by Tony to woo Melfi, including the "I’m Sorry" card that referred to "fowl (sic) language"; Meadow in her bikini; Vito "humming showtunes", if you catch my drift; Tony putting AJ in his place up against the kitchen wall; The longest dream sequence in Sopranos history, and all the arguing I did about that episode with other fans I know; The great, great moment where Tony and Carmela reconnected at that pool party, and how we all slapped our foreheads yelling "Tony, you fuckin’ i diot!" when he ducked out of the house the next morning; The waiter who protested a bit too much for Paulie and Chris to bear, and that great rivalry between those two early in the season. In retrospect, we see that the show actually never did bottom out; It’s just running at the same deliberate, well-plotted pace that it always has.Needless to say, I’ve really enjoyed this season overall, even with the boredom I felt during some of the less frenetic episodes.

I’d say that tonight’s ep was one of the better ones this season. I’ve spent the last half hour or so going through a few message boards and other places where people such as myself review HBO’s best-ever series, and I’ve seen more than a few people say this was one of the best episodes ever. I don’t know that I enjoyed it that much, but I would certainly call it one of the best two or three from this season (my favorite still being that one where the rumor about Ade and Tony spread, particularly that scene where "the family" did their own version of "Telephone", the rumor getting more elaborate with every telling– including Junior’s priceless: "I heard he came all over the sun visor!"), but I’ll hold off on handing out those honors until we see what’s in store for us next week.

The big news from this week’s Sopranos, of course, is that Adrianna’s plot thread finally got yanked off the Soprano’s sweater (sorry, it’s the best I could think of on the spot). When a murder went down at the Crazy Horse, the Feds ended up with some video footage of Adrianna ditching and retrieving something mysterious from the trash (evidence), as well as footage of cops showing up to question the club’s owner, her, when a body washed ashore somewhere in Jersey. Given an ultimatum about wearing a wire, flipping Christopher to the "good" side, or going straight to Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison (which is actually the name of Jersey’s big, state prison), Adrianna attempted to get Chris to turn on Tony.

In one of several instances of the plot throwing us curve balls and keeping us on our toes, it initially looked like Chris was gonna kill Adrianna for working with the Feds. At the last second, though, he relented, and then we had a brief scene where I was fooled into thinking that Chris might actually consider changing sides. Of course, he’d never do that (did anyone else feel as stupid as I did when I realized that wasn’t going to happen?), and as the episode entered its final stretch, Silvio took Adrianna out into the woods and introduced her to three little friends of his.

It was actually kind of sad. Adrianna was sort of a tragic character, good of heart but stupid when it came to doing the reasonable thing, like telling her boyfriend immediately that the Feds were leaning on her, or not leaving him when he beat her within an inch of her life, or helping those guys cover up the murder that happened at the Crazy Horse. She wanted only to be happy, and to be happy with the man she loved, but she was never smart enough to go about getting those things the right way. Like Pussy, you knew that the character had that death coming to them, but I’d grown to like Adrianna. I was sad to see her go, but felt satisfied with her exit.

The other Big Deal this week was Tony and Johnny Sack virtually declaring war on one another over the actions of Tony’s cousin, Blundetto. In last week’s episode, we found out that Blundetto had capped Billy Leotardo and clipped Phil Leotardo, two guys working under Johnny Sack. Tony was furious that Blundetto did this, but hadn’t been able to do anything about it because the dude was in hiding. Johnny Sack and Tony had a "sit down" this week, where Phil went off on Tony and threatened his family (which I’m certain he won’t live to regret much longer), followed by Johnny Sack pretty much reiterating Phil’s statement, saying: "I will rain a shitstorm down on you and your family like you’ve never seen." Sack’s ultimatum: deliver Tony Blundetto to him or he’d do that whole "shitstorm" thing, which sounds very unpleasant and messy.

Tony initially appeared to be protecting Blundetto, telling him when he finally got him on the phone to stay away. Then we saw Tony getting a trace on the call, figuring out where he was, and we thought that Tony would be turning him over. And THEN (I told you that they did this more than once tonight) Tony met with Johnny Sack to tell him where Blundetto was. When Sack wouldn’t guarantee that Blundetto would die quickly, Tony recanted, told Johnny to "fuck himself" (and, God, was the look on Tony’s face right then priceless), adding: "He’s my cousin."

With that, war has been declared. Me, I wish this had happened about half a dozen episodes again. As it stands, we’re gonna get the first battle in the war next week (probably), only to have to wait around until we’re all collecting our pension to see where it goes next. This will, without a doubt, be the longest-feeling hiatus the show has ever gone on, and I’m not looking forward to it.

But something good happened tonight, too: Tony and Carmela are back together! Now, since the beginning of this season, I’ve been rooting for this. I’ve talked to a bunch of people who didn’t want Tony to get back together with her, or people that thought Tony should whack her (I mean, come on, how fucking stupid would that have been?), or people that thought they’d stay separated until what will likely be the show’s bitter end. But I like them together, and I like seeing both of them happy, so I’m happier than a pig in shit that they finally got all the anger out of their systems and announced "Game on!"

The episode this evening ended with Tony and Carmela out in the woods, looking at a piece of land that Carmela wants to purchase and set up a new house on. The woods look sort of foreboding, and I wonder if they might not be the final resting place for one or more of the characters in this show before everything’s all said and done? Hmmm.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, we got to visit that girlfriend of Tony’s who got burned up in last week’s episode. Tony went to pick her up, telling her that he’d still be covering all her medical bills and treatment before letting her know that he’d be getting back together with his wife. She says: "I’m gonna kill myself". Tony says: "I gotta take this phone call." What a pimp that man is. The scene showed what appears to be a new side of Tony, one that’s loyal to his wife and unwilling to go behind her back. Good for him, bad for the barbequed hooker.

In the episode’s "Next Week On..." trailer, we didn’t get to see much. The first thing was, it’s not "Next Week" at all. The promo said "In Two Weeks", which gives me approximately one (1) more reason to hate life at the moment! Yay! As for the promo itself, it looked like they pasted together a whole shitload of extremely brief shots from the episode– trying not to give anything away I’m sure– as well as dialogue from Tony, Johnny Sack, and Phil sounding like they’re all ready to just murder each other until they die from it. Frankly, I think that the show is now poised to just level us all with how fucking brilliant and brutal it can be. I know I’ll be here in two weeks with bells on, and I know that I’ll be sure to let the people who run the old folks home I’ll be in when I’m 90 know that "I wanna watch The Sopranos" when it comes back from its break.

OTHER STUFF: Last week, I asked some of you to share some of your thoughts on the dream sequence as to what things may have meant, and I can honestly say that not one suggestion or theory I read wasn’t plausible, and they were all enormously entertaining. I had about ten or fifteen people tell me that they thought the shot with Tony, the horse, and Carmela was a reference to Tony’s infidelity, with Carmela saying "You can’t bring your horse in here" when she was actually saying "whores". Interesting point. Another theory I liked was from a guy named Gary that the whole dream sequence was a Sopranos version of "A Christmas Carol", with the beginning in the past, then the present, and then the scene with Blundetto whacking Phil in the future. NEWS:Hmmm. A guy named Andy told me that he believed the teeth falling out of Tony’s head represented Tony’s "inability to take care of himself" (based on dream analysis done by Freu d and Jeung, those wacky guys), while the lovely Carrie wrote to let me know her "Dream Book" said that teeth falling out stood for "the fear that a loved one will soon die" (and, yes, Carrie, the Doctor’s Office is currently hiring nurses; Please– ahem– apply within). Funny how both these theories could be correct, huh? Anyway, those were some of my favorites, but I thank all of you for writing.

So, time for our two-week breather. Does anyone know if the last episode will be two hours long? Wasn’t that the case in the past? I hope it is. If you know– as in, you know for a fact; Not, you think so, or you hope so, or the man who lives in your freezer told you so– please let me know.

Oh, one last thing: I don’t know what the Webmaster is going to rate this episode as, and I still get emails from people who don’t understand (read: haven’t read me say this before) that I’m not the one who posts the "number grades". However, were I to rate this evening’s episode, I’d give it a really solid 8 and a half.

I remain...

Dr. Scott

If you have comments about this review send them directly to Dr. Scott at until_dark@yahoo.com

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