The Sopranos - Family Values

Review By Dr. Scott

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Season Five, Episode Nine (Episode 61 - UNIDENTIFIED BLACK MALES)

Review By Dr. Scott

Every week, The Good Doctor’s email box is pushed it its very limits. This past week, nearly 60 of you wrote to explain who Blundetto had killed at the end of last week’s episode, and I thank you. Many more wrote to explain to me– sometimes with fun, colorful language– that that was Frankie Vallie, not Frankie Avalon who ordered the hit last week. Thanks to you guys, too. Then there’s the guy who seems to really think that I’m "insane". He sent me a long, rambling, no-paragraphs-for-this-hotshot email that I had a good time forwarding to some fellow writers for a good laugh. To that guy, thanks, thanks a lot, but don’t bother writing again. You do, in fact, suck.

And one other thing: I’m not the one who posts those "number ratings" at the left of my reviews. That’s the webmaster that does that. We don’t always agree, but please remember if you don’t agree with them...I’M NOT THE ONE WRITING THE DAMN THINGS.

Anyway, on with this week’s review.

I’m going to watch the episode as I write this, something I’ve never done before. Maybe it’ll produce some sort of "running commentary" feel. Maybe, some ingenious reader will print this article out and read it aloud when this episode ends up on DVD, creating their very own Dr. Scott Sopranos Commentary. It’s heartwarming to think about. Warms the cockles of my heart, too. And I’m not one to get my cockles warmed easily, mind you.

I was a few minutes late getting to the TV, but I came in right before Tony started in with the yelling at Blundetto. When Tony tells him not to lie to him, Blundetto points out that, well, maybe Tony’s better off not knowing the truth. I would tend to agree.

Tony goes back to see Melfi, blah, blah, blah. Carmela goes to see a lawyer, finally deciding that she wants out of the relationship. This was a little more hard hitting than it may have been before last week’s episode, where Tony and Carmela hooked up after Carm’s dad’s birthday. It would seem that Tony’s hasty exit the following morning was exactly the wrong thing for him to have done.

There’s a tense scene 23 minutes or so in when Carmela and Tony, meeting for dinner at Vesuvio’s, throw all their cards on the table. Tony: "The only reason you have fuckin’ anything is ‘cause of my sweat." Carmela: "I want what I’m entitled to." Tony: "You’re entitled to shit." (Oh, yeah, I forgot about that little part...they were showing that in the promos for this season way back in...well, March, I guess, not long ago at all). This oughtta be interesting.

We learn that Meadow’s boyfriend, Finn (also known as "The Luckiest Bastard On Earth– or at least in New Jersey) works at a construction site with ties to Paulie, who pawns off a bunch of cash on the dude when he learns that the guy’s "Dating (my) niece."

In fact, we finally got a little more Meadow this week during a scene between her and Carmela at the mall, where mom admitted she was going through with the divorce. Since the beginning, it’s been obvious that both AJ and Meadow don’t believe that it’ll happen, and Meadow gave her mother a snide little speech about moving on and depending on men, and how Finn got a job in construction– none of which plussed Carmela.

Christ. I wish they’d continued down the road they started last week, with Tony and Carmela seeming to call a truce. I liked seeing these two together, even though they’re both so tremendously flawed, and "Marco Polo" was a great opportunity to see them like they might have been when they were kids and had just fallen in love. After all, looks like that divorce is gonna happen, so we better have enjoyed it.

Meadow comes back! Again! No nudity. Fuck. Well, anyway, her and Finn have another tense conversation (Meadow loves those tense conversations. Tense conversations and Doctors), this time about an act of mob violence (no, it didn’t satisfy my bloodlust, all you whining whores) that he’d witnessed at the construction site. Meadow, as she has in the past, stepped right up to defend Tony...for the most part. The whole argument from her side starts with: "Growing up, I never witnessed one act of violence."

Uh-oh. Johnny Sack just called Tony a "Two-faced Fuck". Wow, he’s really going all out, threatening the lives of families and wives and children. It was pretty fucking tense there for a minute, and now Tony and Johnny have escorted themselves into the cab of a waiting limo. Johnny seems to have a witness that can place Blundetto at the murder scene at the time of the shooting...oh, look. Tony’s coming up with a masterful lie, something about the fact that he was with Blundetto the night of the shooting, that he couldn’t have done it, that they were looking for Blundetto’s runaway daughter...This could be bad. Johnny Sack tells Tony: "If I find out you’re lying..."

And, I gotta admit, Tony better hope that he doesn’t. Sack has proved to be a ruthless asshole– his one weak spot being Ginny, his comically large wife– and I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if he finds a way to invalidate Tony’s story. Here’s crossing my fingers for Herr Soprano...

Ah, here’s Christopher and Adrianna! I thought the writers forgot about them. Chris is upset because Tony’s been paying all this attention to Blundetto; Aid tells him not to "sweat the small stuff" and that he may be working too hard. You know, I coulda used some more info on what went down when Christopher and Adrianna somehow made up after he, you know, beat her face into a wall and then dragged her by her hair (with a fucked up neck, no less) out into the front hall. I imagine that she wanted more than a bracelet for the trouble. Who knows?

Now Finn’s getting the heat put on him by that fat capo that Christopher loves so much, Vito. Frankly, I like Vito. He seems like a good enough guy, as far as mobsters go, and his scene here with Finn is more menacing than I imagined he could be.

Is it really 42 minutes into the show? Shit. Writing this and watching at the same time makes it go by even faster than it normally does. If that’s possible.

Back to Meadow and Finn. He was offered baseball tickets by Vito, and....wait...holy shit. Did he just tell Meadow he saw Vito blowing some dude in the parking lot? Oh, sweet God. He is so fucking screwed. What a fool. I could see how easy it would be to blow off a mobster if he looked like Vito, but....oh, look: I think Meadow and Finn are about to break up. Now I can begin my diabolical "Phase Two" of Operation: Meadow’s Ass. You can’t hear it, but I’m cackling madly.

Aaaaannnd...the Meadow/Finn situation remains unfinished. I bet they’ll break up. They need to do one of two things with Finn: Either make him a far larger character, or get rid of him and give us a guy who Meadow can date (read: nail) that we can root for. Yes, Blundetto, I know you’d like to volunteer, but let’s keep that in West Virginia, okay?

Aaannnnnd...we’re back to Meadow and Finn. She’s really giving him the third degree. Ha! He fell asleep listening to her bitch. I did that to one of my ex’s one time, and not even God could have saved my ass. Ever been woken from a dead sleep by a bitch slap from a 100lb. Argentinian girl? It’s not fun. Unless you....

Finn asks Meadow to get engaged. Fuckin’...huh? Why? Because, to hear him say it, he "feels very strongly about it". Sounds good to me! Just wait till Vito hears what you said, jerk-off. And get away from my future Nurse.

That’s weird, just a few paragraphs after talking about bringing him on as a bigger character of getting rid of him...looks like he could be pushed up to the front of the camera for awhile. I’m gonna place bets now: If he and Meadow do, in fact, get engaged, he won’t live to see the last season. That is all.

Tony goes back to Melfi, tells her he had another panic attack. She psychoanalyzes. You know– that whole thing. Remember when Tony passed out looking at some meat when he was a kid, because it provoked a thought about his dad beating some butcher’s ass? That was pretty funny. I remember a funny shot of lil’ Tony Soprano hitting the floor like a bag of hammered shit.

Tony tells Melfi about Blundetto, about how he...wait, I lost track. I’m not sure what they’re talking about. What, exactly, did he just tell Melfi? For the record, don’t bother writing to tell me. I’ll catch the 11 o’clock showing and watch closer. Hope no one dies in the next 6 minutes or so, or I’m gonna look like an ass. If someone does, let me make a prediction: Tony Danza, for the crime of being an embarrassing Italian. So bad.

In fact, with 7 minutes left to go, I’m gonna duck out of this review early. This may be the longest one I’ve written all season. Please let me know if you liked this style of review– rather than the straight-forward, this-happened, that-happened review. It was fun, but I’m not getting all the information I’m needing. Which means, yes, there will be no "And Next Week On THE SOPRANOS" chat this week. Sorry to all of you who don’t get those promos. I’ll make it up to you on your birthdays. You guys like cake? No?

Anyway, until next week, constant readers: I remain The Good Doctor.

Word,

Dr. Scott

PS: Haven’t sent this off yet, but I– like many of you right now– have just watched Meadow call Carmela to tell her she’s engaged. Oddly, Carmela supports it. Doesn’t that seem odd to you guys? And, by the way, please don’t send me a bunch of emails that say "Yes" or "No", it’s rhetorical. The episode ends with Carmela saying: "Oh my God, I’m gonna cry." Go back to Tony, you bitch! Anyway....

If you have comments about this review send them directly to Dr. Scott at until_dark@yahoo.com

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